Sorry and thanks!

It was just a few years ago, three or so perhaps, this friend of mine gave me a three page sermon on how everything happening around me need not be about me always. The one hour when he spoke to me in that raised voice, I hated him, completely and thoroughly. And he knew that too but yet didn't stop delivering his sermon. He just went on and on till he got done with his three pages.  The sixtieth minute when he got done, I just walked off. Didn’t want to talk to him; sat right next to him in the lunch table all through the week and completely avoided him. But you see- he was still a very important friend to me. So we found ways to patch up, I started talking to him once again. Nevertheless, I kept myself a little away from him after that sermon session. He being his usual self didn’t make it a big deal. He treated me like that little child as he always did- he continued to pamper me with food, chocolates, tease me with those jokes, take me out in his hi-fi cars for a test drive, scold me when I did something stupid and so on and so forth.

And then came a day, when I just moved completely away from him. Saying goodbye even ordinarily is an ordeal for me and to say goodbye to him, I should have may be rehearsed it for a week. Tears flowing down my cheeks didn’t let me say goodbye to him at all. But that little devil that grew in me, thanks to the rigorous sermon session, made me withdraw my tears, at least to some extent. And I just ran down the staircase. We were gone. There were a few instances when we connected over internet chat, I don’t even remember those conversations now. I got more mad at him.  We did meet a few times after I left the city, and I was still behaving cold with him. He observed that.

We moved far away, though whenever I needed help on work, he was first one I would reach out to and he never hesitated to help me.  The relationship that should have been purely professional finally became a professional relationship. Friend-like talks were kept at a bay; they were very minimal if we had any such thing at all. And then after about a year we met. I bunked work to meet him. His muse for the day was a royal blue BMW convertible and we had a great time. That day again, I was a bit stiff and I thought it was okay. “So looks like you meet a lot of people these days”, he asked me and before I could answer, he said, “That’s good, I’m happy”. I didn’t know what that meant, neither did I care to. I was just happy to relive some of those old moments, and took all precautions to keep the sermons away. I came home and crashed with a beautiful feeling in my head. Old friend after all!

And then we met again. It was a BMW X3 but I was his muse. Oh, what a day we had, totally reliving those past moments. That was indescribable joy. I enjoyed that day thoroughly and so much that the little devil in me, just disappeared. So I was totally myself. After the drive and dinner, when we had to call it a day, I had that familiar choke in my throat. Words won’t come and tears won’t stop flowing down. I was once again that little child in front of him and I could see it in his eyes that even he didn’t want to say bye-bye. We were just standing facing one another and very quietly he said to me “today I am very proud of you. This is exactly what I wanted you to be”. Me being my usual self, I had no clue what he was talking about. I came home, pulled my blanket and tried to sleep. That was when I knew what he meant. In the 18 months that I was away from him, I transformed into a confident, mature, independent, brave, daring, beautiful young woman. The woman that people would fall in love with and most importantly, the woman who loves herself and loves being a woman.

We met again and I wanted to say sorry and thanks. But we were just too busy in our own stories and sources, we couldn’t do much. I forgot about the sorry and thanks. A few days back, when I passed though our very own walk spot, I could see images of me and him in that black morning sky jogging in the park. I wanted to stop by the park, but we drove past it. I wanted to say sorry and thanks, but I couldn’t and I still haven’t. So I thought, let me just write it out. Sorry and thanks. You were correct. Everything that’s happening around me need not be about me always. Everything that people think and talk around me need not be about me always. Me and I are demons. Go past the I to find a much better world; a happier world. I am seeing that now. Once again, and maybe for the last time- sorry and thanks!

- Your little H